Alternatively titled: “Signs That You Desperately Need To Entirely Reorganize Your Apartment To Accommodate The Fact That You Obsessively Play Dress Up In Public Very Often, Despite Being An Adult, And Are Therefore Potentially Insane”.
A) Things Visibly Exploding From Under Your Bed:
1. One re-creation of Lady Gaga’s ‘Raver Girl’ wig that you made from syntheic hair, rope, and paint and wore on stage and back stage with Gaga. (This is accompanied by a ripped and torn re-creation of her plastic top that you made from a dollar store table cloth, and some fuzzy rave boots that are covered in mud because you stood outside in the dirt at the barricade for 14 hours after sleeping at the gate of the venue.)
2. One re-creation of the stuffed ‘glove-kini’ from Lady Gaga’s ‘Applause’ video, accompanied by one set of stuffed glove underwear (that you have pictures in with Gaga because, in March in freezing rain on a New York sidewalk, you whipped all your clothes off to show her and she totally went for it).
3. One re-creation of Courtney Act’s sparkly Klaus Noemi tuxedo, complete with glittery rainbow fish (that she performed with, then instagrammed pictures of you all together in.. and that also covered both Courtney Act and Darienne Lake in sparkles).
4. One terrifying plastic white mask and black cone hat from a re-creation of Lady Gaga’s original artRave album release party (that Gaga once replaced on your head because she wanted a picture of you…. but only if you covered your face back up).
5. One black morphsuit covered in velcro from your re-creation of Glen Hanson’s paper doll outfits worn during Fashion! at Lady Gaga’s artRave (that Gaga’s stylist Perry Meeks tweeted to Glen, and that Glen and Gaga’s dancers totally loved).
6. One hand bejewelled seashell bra and hand flowered garden panty from Lady Gaga’s original artRave, accompanied by a wig made from three wigs sewn together and a real dead starfish (that Gaga’s dad asked you to put a coat over because he thought you were silly and about to catch pneumonia because it was November and you decided to only wear underwear).
7. One hand bejewelled silver catsuit from a re-creation of the Versace Lady Gaga wore at Jingle Bell Ball (that Gaga’s dancers and choreographer Richard Jackson loved, and that Gaga and her makeup artist Tara Savelo told you they went crazy for months after you wore it because they saw it online and then saw you in person through the car window).
8. One hand dyed pink bustier covered in candy and pillow fluff from a re-creation of Alaska Thunderfuck’s cotton candy dress from season 5 of Rupaul’s Drag Race (that Alaska went crazy for, and that Michelle Visage thought was a tribute to Katy Perry, but that Bianca Del Rio read to filth because it fell apart and your friend tried to eat all the candy off of it).
9. One bag containing many smaller bags of paint, jewels, glitter packs, glues, etc. (that your cat loves to dig in when you’re trying to sleep).
B) Things Visibly Exploding From Your Closet:
1. One hand sewn sequinned jacket from a re-creation of the Tom Brown jacket Lady Gaga wore at the original artRave, on Howard Stern, and during the artRave: the ARTPOP Ball tour (that you fully intend on wearing elsewhere in real life and that Gaga really liked when she saw pictures on the Internet, but that was so hot at the show that you almost puked, and that you went all the way to NYC from Canada to get the fabric for).
2. One deflated re-creation of the inflatable tentacle costume Lady Gaga wore during the artRave: The ARTPOP Ball tour (that Gaga’s dance manager Lacee really loved, but that completely fell apart the second the crowd crushed you against the barrier, causing Gaga to shake her head at the sight of you trying to hold your sad, floppy hats on).
3. One pair of other paper doll costumes that you randomly created for a party with a friend and hung from your neck with dollar store cutting boards attached to ribbon (one dress and one tux jacket, that you switched half way through the night because you like to play with gender stereotypes).
4. One pair of re-created ‘Versace’ boots, hand painted and bejewelled (that have been worn to multiple events and with multiple costumes, but that make your feet swell so badly that you actually have to lay down and wait for them to go down before you can physically remove the boots from your body).
5. One pair of fake Alaia pleasers (see sad foot story above).
C) Things Visibly Strewn On Other Surfaces That Should Have Other Practical Functions:
1. Pieces of a just-finished, yet-to-be-worn re-creation of Alaska Thunderfuck’s opening look from the music video for ‘Your Makeup is Terrible’ (thrown all over a dining table that hasn’t been used in months, and that you misguidedly decided to wear at a show in Michigan at the end of October, meaning you’re going to freeze your tits off running around some hick town in your gitch).
2. A left over vine of leaves that weren’t sewn to the Alaska Thunderfuck plant wig (thrown across the top of the dresser, often chewed by the cat in the middle of the night).
3. 4 other random wigs that you bought because you felt like it (2 of each kind, that you intend to sew together some day into 2 bigger, more fabulous wigs; also preventing use of the dining table).
4. Two boxes of fake nails, a massive case of polish, and countless bottles of glue ready to be turned into a set of claws for your Alaska Thunderfuck ‘Your Makeup Is Terrible’ re-creation (Because if you’re not wearing nails, you’re not doing drag! Restricting use of the coffee table).
5. A bag of hand made gifts, custom labeled for Alaska Thunderfuck, Jinkx Monsoon, Adore Delano, and Bianca Del Rio (that you spent two weeks sewing by hand because you don’t have a sewing machine and can’t use one with that thick a layer of sequins anyways, and that you are driving all the way from Canada to Michigan to hand deliver; also preventing use of the dining table).
6. Sequins. All over the floor. On every surface. In the bathroom. In your bed. On the cat. Just fucking EVERYWHERE.
7. Pieces of a Halloween costume of Tony Bennett blocking the piano from being used (because you and your co-free bitch are going as Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett, because Cheek to Cheek is wonderful).
And the number one sign that you’re a crazy person is that you can’t sleep so you literally just sat here and made a list of all this shit because it’s ACTUALLY taking over your entire apartment, but you totally love seeing it all there because it’s like a little hobby resume and it makes you all nostalgic to see the different pieces and remember the stories behind them!!
*insert cheesy, wistful sigh of emotions here*